For typos and words:
On the naming page, “Nobody realizes how powerful knowing a persons’ real name can be…” should be “person’s”.
On “You Awake With a Start”, for “Run downstairs with the closest make-shift weapon”, the Oxford Dictionaries list the word as makeshift.
On “Brush her hair aside to look at her face”, for “She has strawberry-blond hair that is currently covering her face and you feel like it is important whether or not to know if her eyes are open and if she is indeed alive.” the phrasing feels quite off; possibly “She has strawberry-blond hair that is currently covering her face and you feel it is important to know whether or not her eyes are open and if she is indeed alive.”
On “You reveal her face”, for “Her face is so perfect it reminds you of a porcelain doll with it’s eyes closed” should be “its”. As well, “Then with a wave and beaming smile, she vanished.” is past tense; everything else at that point is in the present tense, so it feels odd to have it not be “vanishes”.
For “You are living a normal life. Fun right?” I feel that there should be a comma between “Fun” and “right?”. Same with “Well I guess it must have been real if you remember it right?” on the “Oh yeah…” → “She strangely disappeared” option. ETA: Same with “There isn’t any other explanation right?” on “The Girl is Back!”
On “Visit a Day Spa”, for “There are better pleasantries”, pleasantries are bits of pleasant or funny dialogue; maybe “other luxuries”, or “better ways to treat yourself”?
On “A Game of Dice”, “There is a few teenagers and young adults tossing dice against the gutter” should be “There are”, and periods are missing on both “There is a few teenagers and young adults tossing dice against the gutter” and “You never really understood the appeal anyways”.
I placed a bet and won. “Winning” is usually the act of winning; “A decent winning” sounds odd and I think it should be either “A decent win” if you’re referring to the fact that the player won, or “Decent winnings” if you’re referring to what the player won.
On “A Street Performer”, for “It is a rare treat around here but a welcome reward in its’ own right.” should be “its”, no apostrophe. For failure on attempting to work the crowd, “Every mans’ wallet is in their front pocket and every womans’ purse is close to their hearts.” it should be “Every man’s wallet is in their front pocket and every woman’s purse is close to her heart.” (I’d also suggest it be “his” and “hers” rather than “their”, since you’re referring to individuals of a known gender–believe me, I am all about “they” as a gender-neutral singular pronoun, but this is not one of the times I would use it.) As well, “At least you don’t raise any attention to yourself.” seems like it should be “At least you don’t draw any attention to yourself.”
On “Go to the Mall”, there’s no punctuation to finish “All the stores you love are here still and seem to share a very particular problem”.
On “A Scream Nearby”, if you successfully intervene,
[ul][li]“You have my thanks. I don’t want to think about what could have happened if you were even a second later.” The victim said with a sigh of relief.[/li][/ul]should be
[ul][li]"You have my thanks. I don’t want to think about what could have happened if you were even a second later," the victim said with a sigh of relief.[/li][/ul]On “The Girl is Back!”, for “Is she a run away?”, that should be “runaway”. As well, “A Naïveté Heart” should be “A Naïve Heart”.
On other things:
When the strawberry-blond child woke up, I wasn’t seeing myself as having picked her up–I remember actually flinching a bit at the idea of picking up someone who might have non-visible internal injuries, and was vaguely thinking my character would want to move her hair to see if she was alive and then get medical help–so having her described as “she jumps out of my arms” felt strange.
For Monday morning, “Well I guess that means it is time to start the day.” felt a little stilted after the casual contraction of “Oh it’s your alarm…”; a minor thing, but maybe “Well, I guess that means it’s time to start the day.” wouldn’t startle me that way.
On the recap of what happened last night, “She vanished into the starry void with a smile after a small exchange of words, how strange.” feels weird. I was imagining looking down at her standing in my backyard (because she’s shorter than me, because she just jumped down out of my arms and she was on the ground before that), and having her suddenly blink out of existence and leaving me just staring at the lawn. “Into the starry void” sounds like I was looking at her and the only other thing I could see was the sky when she disappeared into the sky. I’ve got a bunch of conflicting images of exactly what happened, and I think it’s distracting me from the story.
“Well I guess it must have been real if you remember it right?” seems pat. I remember my dreams, too. Would it work if you told me that it seemed too real to have been a dream, rather than suggesting that I was sure it was real because I remembered it?
As well, on “A Game of Dice”, the “They scowl at you and chase you away. Hey, nothing beats free money.” message threw me for a second, especially with the message “Well, you certainly know that money makes the world go around!” appearing below. I was wondering if it was a rueful acknowledgement of the fact that because money was important to them they’d chased me away before I could collect my winnings, so they had gotten free money (the amount I’d put down) but I hadn’t won anything, or had actually lost something, but by damn I’d learnt that “money makes the world go round.” I had to click over to my inventory to see that I’d gained $50 cash. Is is possible to have cash be a quality that shows a message telling me what the new total is when I gain or lose money?
As well… well, according to my decision to turn down the spa, I like hard (presumably physical?) work, and according to the failure message on the dice game, “at least I have a job”, so I do begin to wonder exactly what work my job is, that it lets me wander and fall asleep in the park on a weekday. Curious for clarification. :)
Stuck!
When the “The Girl is Back!” pinned card first appeared, all the branches were locked. I had “A Concerned Heart” at 1 and “A Cautious Heart” at 1, and was being told I needed to have a Heart quality (any one of them) at at least 2 and no higher than 3. It was disheartening, to say the least, to have a pinned card appear when I couldn’t play any branches.
Zipping through the Opportunity cards got me the Cautious Heart challenge on “A Scream Nearby”; it took me three tries to do so, but I succeeded. My Concerned and Cautious both went up to 2, although the messages “A twist in your tale: You now have A (Whichever) Heart” suggest that this was supposed to be something new.
Also I’m not sure about the difference between Concerned and Caring; Concern suggests worrying about something, but the option to follow up on the feeling that there’s some reason she’s looking for me seemed more curious than worried.
ETA again: Okay, the course of events is starting to make me want explanations, which I suppose is a good thing. I wake up when I hear a noise, and find an unconscious (?) little girl. When I check to see if she's okay, it (seems to) turn out that she was playing possum; she bounces up just fine, congratulates me on being a nice person, and vanishes into thin air. Clearly she isn't in a hurry to get back to her parents, or she couldn't interact with me for long enough to get em to find them for her before; will see where this goes.
(Also, why don’t I believe her about having a huge house? “My” house has two floors and a back yard; I know that houses exist which are three times bigger than that.)
L&c,
F
edited by Torrain on 9/20/2012
edited by Torrain on 9/20/2012