Up for election


Name’s Arthur Globemallow an’ I’m a candidate up for election to London’s 33rd district school board. Now you’ve probably heard my opponent’s sayin’ that you shouldn’t vote for me on account of me bein’ a horde of beetles wearin’ an elaborate man suit that lures unsuspectin’ folks into the shadows so as to eat their skin. Now everthin’ they’re sayin’ is completely true but you already knew that. I’ve always been honest with folks about the nature and state of my existence an’ if you see fit to elect me that’s what you’ll get. Honesty. Unlike my opponents I don’t play political games of deception. An’ if you feel you can’t vote for me on account of me bein’ a hoard of flesh eatin’ beetles well that’s you’re prerogative. But I hope that we live in a day an’ age were folks can look past the multiplicity and maliciousness of one’s person an’ see them for who they really are.

Another point I’d like to address is the accusation that I’m opposed to keepin’ junk food out of schools on account a’ me wantin’ to fatten the kids up an’ eat them. This is nothin’ but a hurtful fabrication. I just eat their skin. Don’t make no difference to me how fat they are. But did you know that nearly 30% of deaths in the Neath are the result of a devourin’ of one kind or another? Odds are that some of these children are goin’ t’ be made a meal of an’ when that happens do you really want them to be just another snack to be eaten and forgotten? Or would you rather they be a feast to remember? I believe that all children should aspire to greatness; be that great deeds or great flavour. It’s the role of schools to facilitate and support children in the pursuit of their dreams. Not to determine what those dreams are.

So come election day I hope you’ll cast your vote for me, Arthur Globemallow. Together, we’ll help children achieve, or be, great things.


Arthur Globemallow

My Fellow Londoners-

Arthur Globemallow wants to fool you into thinking he’s just an honest hive-mind of voracious beetles. He wants to make you think he’s working for his meals just like the rest of us. But did you know that, as a member of the Residential Planning Council, Mr Globemallow has repeatedly voted to decrease the number of streetlamps in our neighborhood, thus making it prime hunting ground for the entire Arthur swarm? Sounds less like a hard-working, honest beetle amalgamation and more like just another politician, using the public trust to further personal goals.

Globemallow also claims to be above political machinations when promoting his campaign. However, did you know that 90% of school junk food in London is in fact MADE from crushed flesh-eating beetles? Arthur Globemallow isn’t fighting for your childrens’ deliciousness. He’s only out to protect his own.

Arthur Globemallow- Deceitful. Creepy. Admittedly fairly honest about his predilections for eating flesh.

Vote Arthur Mallow-Globe for District 33 School Board. The clear choice for our children. The right choice for our future.

Arthur Mallow-Globe. Actually Human.

Paid for by the Committee for Electing Councilmembers Who Probably Won’t Eat Us
edited by The Dark Gentleman on 12/29/2014

Dear Friends,

I think it speaks t’ the quality of my opponents that they claim I’m against junk food after me explicitly statin’ my support for it. I may not agree with the content of such but given the predatory nature of my being it would be unfair of me t’ tell potential victims what they can and cannot eat. I stand by my principles an’ that includes the belief that schools shouldn’t block students from a potential career path just 'cause they don’t agree with it.

Now, Mr. Mallow-Globe is correct that I’ve cast my vote in favour of the reduction of street lamps many times. But it pains me deeply that some folks believe that I did so for personal gain. Here in the Neath we’re not all completely human an’ many have come t’ me expressin’ fear or discomfort in the presence of bright lights. We have t’ remember that humans, while delicious, are not the only residents of the Neath and it behooves us to be considerate of everyone’s needs. I cast my vote not for personal gain, but for social justice! I say let us all stand beneath the starless sky as equals be we fleshy, rubbery, or sheathed in glorious chitin.

An’ if I may address Mr. Mallow-Globe directly, I’m sensing some distrust towards myself on account of my multiplicative and ravenous nature an’ it’s been my experience that such sentiments often come from a place of ignorance. I would relish the opportunity for us to meet one on one so as to better understand each other. Say, at 3 AM next Tuesday in the shadows behind Sunderland’s Shoes and Such? I hope that we can reach a point of mutual understandin’ an’ put this ugliness behind us.


Arthur Globemallow

Paid for by Beings for the Reclassification of Edible Items

Responsible Parents-

Mr. Globemallow, barely out of the campaign gate, has already begun attempting to spin his sketchy voting record away from the truth. He claims he has &quotexplicitly&quot stated his support of junk food in schools. I invite you, fellow Londoners, to examine in detail his initial campaign address. Is there a single mention of his support of junk food? No! He begins by explaining that his opposition to the mastication choices has nothing to do with what others have claimed, and proceeds to muddle the issue with talk of the role of schools in promoting dreams. Sounds like typical political double-talk. Is this the sort of…creature-hive we want influencing our most precious resource, our future?

We can all agree that the Neath contains a diverse array of inhabitants. We can all understand a need to co-exist with such inhabitants, being the newest members of the Neath’s community. But isn’t London still the greatest HUMAN city on or in the Earth?? Doesn’t OUR voice count?? Whether Clay Man or Snuffer, Rubbery or Rattus Faber, the immigrants to OUR city should be accepting of the predilections of London’s original inhabitants. Things like Mr. Arthur Globemallow shouldn’t be allowed to put down the will, comfort, and safety of people just to appease the few. Apparently Mr. Globemallow puts the desires of his non-human lobbyist cohorts above the health and well-being of the rest of us. Does this sound like the sort of decision-making we want in our schools? Holding back the majority at the behest of a tiny opposition? If the voracious beetle-people want darker, more dangerous streets, they can make their own city!

In closing, and in keeping with Mr. Globemallow’s style, I will respond directly to his accusation and his offer: Far from ignorance, my sentiments come a very clear understanding of just the kind of creature you are. Therefore, of course I shall be there. With an economy-size bug net and VERY BIG BOOTS. Possibly bought at Sunderland’s Shoes and Such, because Arthur Mallow-Globe not only supports our children, he supports local business.

Working to improve the lives of District 33’s inhabitants,

Arthur Mallow-Globe

Paid for by the People’s Hope for a Bug-Free London
edited by The Dark Gentleman on 1/1/2015

Kind Progenitors,

Now our dialog thus far has largely been one of high minded rhetoric but I feel now is the time t’ dig into details so as t’ settle the issue of my junk food support once and for all. My specific statement to that affect was that I was accused of opposition t’ &quotkeepin’ junk food out of schools&quot. Now I’m just a small town swarm of flesh eatin’ invertebrates, but I think if you hash out my words the meanin’s clear. I am in opposition t’ the removal of junk food from the school grounds. It is not the place of the school t’ interrupt students in their pursuit of a rotund form.

Friends, do you really want a man like Mr. Mallow-Globe involved in the runnin’ of our schools with his &quothumans first&quot attitude and sub par reading comprehension? Will the Rattus be minimized? Will the Rubbery be mocked? Will the many be crushed under heavy boots? Even my humble offer of peaceful conversation was met with hostility. I remind my competitor that while London is new to the Neath, the Bazaar that so many of us have called home is not. We did not ask for our two residences to be inextricably twined together but it is only by finding common ground that we may move forward. And, if memory serves, isn’t it the role of government to protect minorities from the tyranny of the majority? Is dimmer lighting such a heavy burden to bear if it makes life easier for the photosensitive?

Fellow gentlebeings when the time comes don’t let your pulmonary organs turn to bitterness. Vote for equality. Vote for acceptance. Vote for me, Arthur Globemallow, and together we can build a better future.


Arthur Globemallow

Paid for by That Which Hungers in the Darkness

Exceptional Friends-

Several spirited bouts with my opponent seem to have side-tracked us from the real issues of this school board election. Never mind Mr. Globemallow’s position on junk food, whatever it happens to be this time around. Let us, rather, focus on the important issues of bettering the lives of our children through improved policy and excellent educational opportunities. A vote of Arthur Mallow-Globe will bring you, not the indecisive ramblings of a self-confessed flesh-eater, but a clear, concise plan to boost the mental capabilities of our youth. I propose conducting educational seminars hosted by University professors (those who are still nominally alive, at any rate), upgrading school technologies to the new CorrespondenceLight™, and perhaps even organizing cryptobiological field-trips to explore and study exotic Neath life (permission slips and injury waivers required). Arthur Mallow-Globe has a concrete plan to build a better future for the youth of London.

We are Londoners. We represent the pinnacle of civilization. Mr. Globemallow seeks to break us down using fearmongering tactics, to make us question the righteous course. He claims that something as innocent as regularly spaced streetlights are somehow meant to subvert and destroy the non-human inhabitants of London. I ask you- is not a minor inconvenience to a few a small price to pay for the safety and well-being of all? Better lighting doesn’t only protect human Londoners, of course. It prevents the unscrupulous from murdering Rubbery Men in darkened allies, stops the overzealous from ambushing L.B.s to harvest skins for suits, and even protects Mr. Globemallow himself from being captured and pinned to corkboard by an enterprising Entomology Professor. The purpose of government is not to protect the minority from the majority, but to protect the weak from the strong, regardless of the numbers. If elected, that is exactly what I, Arthur Mallow-Globe, propose to do- Serve all of the people, in a just and fair manner.

Thoughtful parents, let your vote be swayed, not by political chitinous chatter, but rather by both head and heart. I, Arthur Mallow-Globe, care about the safety and well-being of your children, and have a plan to enrich their educational experience. Vote for the candidate willing to work for you, to improve YOUR lives.

Arthur Mallow-Globe: Protecting the children, promoting the future.

Paid for by Citizens for Safety and Prosperity.
edited by The Dark Gentleman on 1/2/2015

Mr. Globemallow, you get my vote. Partially becuase I like your plans, but mostly because half my friends/allies/fall guys/pets held me at gunpoint until I agreed to vote for you.

Are there any other candidates available?

Don’t think so. You could do it if you wanted to.

Do you even belong in this district, good citizen? I’ve yet to see you in any school centered community events in all my years residing here. Perhaps you should be in the 30th district.

[Directed to Snowskeeper, but anybody could respond really.]
edited by dismallyOriented on 1/3/2015

I’d like to toss my hat in the ring.

My name is Arol and while I’m not human, I do look like one and that’s all that really matters in the end, right? I’m just a working thief, with a profitable side job as a Spirifer and a healthy hobby of kidnapping citizens of the Neath and torturing them and slowly breaking their minds and spirits. I enjoy a nice wine or two or twelve, plus being intimate with soft, hard or impossible flesh of the Neath’s many inhabitants.

If elected, I will definitely let my outside interests interfere with my duties as a member of the school board. I won’t improve text books, or meals, or find ways to usher your children into adulthood. I will steal some of them away to my lodgings and slowly break their minds with carefully crafted psychological tricks, while slowly mutilating their bodies into the twisted visions I see in my sleep every night. The ones I deem unsuitable for my craft, I’ll allow to remain in school, but the schools will now be sweatshops rented out to different manufacturers. Instead of learning, your children will spend countless hours toiling away sewing together Ratskin Suits or bottling Prisoner’s Honey. And if I’m low on souls, I’ll convince one of two of your little darlings that they should sell theirs for a handful of shiny new marbles.

I’ll also periodically follow a few children home and then rob your homes of anything valuable or interesting, plus possibly kidnap one of two of you for my little bloody side project.

You might think me mad for admitting all this, but don’t reserve me a room in the Royal Bethlehem just yet. See, I’m the only honest one here. The others are handing you sweet little lies, promises they don’t intend to keep. We’re all out to harm your children in some way. It’s how things work down in the Neath. I’m the only one willing to admit it, to give you fair warning in case you want to pull your children from school and harm’s way.

Vote Arol - &quotYes I’ll screw you over, but at least I’m honest about it.&quot

[quote=dismallyOriented]Do you even belong in this district, good citizen? I’ve yet to see you in any school centered community events in all my years residing here. Perhaps you should be in the 30th district.

[Directed to Snowskeeper, but anybody could respond really.]
edited by dismallyOriented on 1/3/2015[/quote]

Why of course I belong here! I’ve practically given you a full class of urchins by advising them to remain in school after being caught robbing the Widow. And no, the rumors I hide in kids closets and sneak out and kill their parents, steal their parents souls and steal everything of value is completely unfounded. While yes I might sometimes kill a parent for K&C, they will come back and all’s fair in the Game anyway.


Now this is what we of a predatory disposition like t’ call staltin’ the earth. Y’ don’t want t’ deplete your food sources an’ goin’ for the young ones is the fastest way t’ do just that. An’ while you can’t help but admire the display of honesty, this is exactly what this Arol intends t’ do. Now I’ll admit t’ havin’ certain undisclosed plans for the PTA that some may label nefarious. An’ can you really fault a swarm of flesh eatin’ beetles if it occasionally gets a mite peckish? But it’s as much in my best interest as it is any of yours that children grow up to be happy, healthy, trustin’ adults. As the saying goes, children are everyone’s future.

It also behoves me t’ point out that Arol failed t’ mention that it’s a fairly recent resident of the 33rd havin’ moved here from the 26th. Now maybe Arol ran out of victims or maybe they just got wise an’ kick it out. Either way I say we don’t give it the chance t’ do t’ us what it did t’ them. I’ve been a resident of the 33rd for decades an’ we’ve been gettin’ on just fine with honest threats of or own, like yours truly. An’ I’ve held numerous public offices so as t’ give back t’ the community that’s given so much t’ me. Unlike myself, Arol isn’t in it for the long haul. It just wants t’ scorch the earth an’ move on.

Arol. Just tryin’ t’ make victims of us all, even if it’s honest about it.


Arthur Globemallow

Paid for by The Carnivorous Fungi Society

I moved from the 26th district for personal reasons, completely unrelated to dwindling food supplies or being kicked out. In fact, I take offense to the mere suggestion that I take my main nourishment from human flesh. I torture human flesh and murder human flesh, along with various other types of flesh. The only time I eat it is as a bit of a treat. Could you imagine living off of human meat? It’s greasy and fatty and sits in your stomach like a stone.

I am not going to murder all your children. As I said, I am going to torture and kill some, while letting the others work in my newly reformed sweatshop schools. This will teach them about adulthood in the Neath much more than a standard education ever will.

Like me, your children were not born in the upper echelons of society. Anything I have, I either stole or killed for. The only way for them to have even a decent life down here is if they fight for it. And how do you learn to fight? Through strife, of course. The children who survive my new schools will be tougher than any other district’s children and ready to take on the world.

This isn’t my main intention. I’m just in this for the torture. The whole sweatshop/renting out the school idea is a compromise suggested by my advisor. By advisor, I mean victim and he really didn’t suggest the idea, but scream it out in a last ditch effort to gain a bit of mercy. That might seem a bit heartless, but what do you expect from an opportunistic serial killer such as myself?

In keeping with my honesty, I’ll tell you’re the exact personal reason for leaving the 26th district. While I’m not one for romance, I do enjoy carnal pleasures and I ended up in a torrid affair with the wife of a powerful Constable. The Constables already don’t like me, mostly because I am a thief, pull humiliating pranks on royalty and once got drunk and tried to pants an incognito Master at Mrs. Plenty’s Carnival. Plus, there’s the whole kidnap and torture issue. To my credit, they can’t actually prove anything, which is why I’m not either in jail or dead.

So, are you going to trust a mound of bugs who is most likely lying about the extent of his taste for human flesh, or a demonic creature that will always tell you just what he plans to do with you? And I have a human looking face and body, not a mass of swarming creepy crawlies. Better to go with the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t and all that. Although I’m not technically a Devil. I’m much more attractive than those silly fops.

Vote Arol: Honesty, get your honesty heeeeeere!
Paid for by the Association of Torturers and Shroom-Hopping Fanciers