Name’s Arthur Globemallow an’ I’m a candidate up for election to London’s 33rd district school board. Now you’ve probably heard my opponent’s sayin’ that you shouldn’t vote for me on account of me bein’ a horde of beetles wearin’ an elaborate man suit that lures unsuspectin’ folks into the shadows so as to eat their skin. Now everthin’ they’re sayin’ is completely true but you already knew that. I’ve always been honest with folks about the nature and state of my existence an’ if you see fit to elect me that’s what you’ll get. Honesty. Unlike my opponents I don’t play political games of deception. An’ if you feel you can’t vote for me on account of me bein’ a hoard of flesh eatin’ beetles well that’s you’re prerogative. But I hope that we live in a day an’ age were folks can look past the multiplicity and maliciousness of one’s person an’ see them for who they really are.
Another point I’d like to address is the accusation that I’m opposed to keepin’ junk food out of schools on account a’ me wantin’ to fatten the kids up an’ eat them. This is nothin’ but a hurtful fabrication. I just eat their skin. Don’t make no difference to me how fat they are. But did you know that nearly 30% of deaths in the Neath are the result of a devourin’ of one kind or another? Odds are that some of these children are goin’ t’ be made a meal of an’ when that happens do you really want them to be just another snack to be eaten and forgotten? Or would you rather they be a feast to remember? I believe that all children should aspire to greatness; be that great deeds or great flavour. It’s the role of schools to facilitate and support children in the pursuit of their dreams. Not to determine what those dreams are.
So come election day I hope you’ll cast your vote for me, Arthur Globemallow. Together, we’ll help children achieve, or be, great things.