Taskmaster of the Bazaar

Fallen London
1

MR TASKS: Ostentatious greetings, wishes of a good evening, and welcome to Taskmaster of the Bazaar! We are Mr Tasks and we are the Taskmaster of the Bazaar. We have set five of the Neath’s luminaries a series of challenges to test their spirit, their fortitude, and their willingness to follow arbitrary commands, all in the hope of winning the single most desirable object to be found in the deepest vaults of the Bazaar: a golden statue of our perfectly-formed head. Please make the customary noises of celebration for… Colonel Molly!

COLONEL MOLLY: (sticks two fingers up at the audience)

MR TASKS: Grace, the Mercy!

GRACE: (ashes her cigar on the floor)

MR TASKS: His Amused Lordship!

HIS AMUSED LORDSHIP: (waves to the audience, face creased with joy)

MR TASKS: The Manager of the Royal Bethlehem Hotel!

THE MANAGER: (waves with eight fingers - no, twelve - twenty - more than you can count… no, the regular number of fingers)

MR TASKS: And the Notorious Civet!

THE CIVET: (waves, briefly, from under their cloak)

MR TASKS: But, of course, we are far too busy to oversee the completion of these tasks ourselves. For that, we delegate to our adjutant, who has spent several months with our contestants in the Taskmaster Manor, overseeing them in the Taskmaster manner. Please give the correct amount of applause for our assistant, the Efficient Commissioner!

GRIZ: (does not look up from her clipboard)

MR TASKS: What do you have for us, Commissioner?

GRIZ: Are you sure this is a justifiable investment of the Bazaar’s time and resources? With the situation in the Elder Continent so tense…

MR TASKS: Silence! We have decreed that these games shall be held, and that is all that needs to be known!

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MR TASKS: The first round of our contest is the prize round, in which our participants bring us offerings of tribute.

GRIZ: …that’s right, they bring prizes according to a theme you’ve set, and whoever wins today will take home all five prizes.

MR TASKS: Must we really give them back their gifts?

GRIZ: It saves us having to provide a daily prize ourselves.

MR TASKS: An excellent point. That would be tantamount to (shudders) charity. What theme have we set them today?

GRIZ: Today, you asked the contestants to bring the best thing to take to the Shuttered Palace.

MR TASKS: Molly! What did you bring, and why would it be the best thing to present to the Empress?

MOLLY: Marsh-wolf, innit.

(on the stage: a very unhappy marsh-wolf, pulling at its chain)

GRIZ: Why do you think Her Majesty would enjoy a live wolf?

MOLLY: Well, I don’t reckon she’d have seen one before, 'coz you only get them in the marshes and she only goes to very posh places like the opera. Also 'coz I hear it’s bl–dy boring at Court and this would liven things up a bit.

MR TASKS: Perhaps it would. Grace! What is your offering?

GRACE: A Fourth City siege weapon.

(on the stage: a trebuchet, loaded and worryingly aimed toward the audience)

MR TASKS: You often bring this to parties?

GRACE: It’s easily towed behind a horse, it’s fun to ride on the back, and you can load it with incendiary bombs to sow panic and disarray among your enemies!

GRIZ: Terrifying. Your Lordship, please tell me you have something that won’t sow panic and disarray at Court.

HIS AMUSED LORDSHIP: I’ve (guffaws) I’ve brought (wheezes) I’ve brought a beautiful sculpture!

(on the stage: a marble carving of a man with a big ----- passing the time of day with two ------s and a satyr)

MR TASKS: (claps its extremities) Now we’re talking!

HIS AMUSED LORDSHIP: It’s an exact copy of one that was dug up in Alexandria in around-

MR TASKS: (suddenly cold) Stop! You, next. What have you brought as tribute?

THE MANAGER: In fact, I’m returning something that came to me from the Palace.

(on the stage: a Hollow-Eyed Servant, in last year’s fashions)

GRIZ: That’s a person.

THE MANAGER: They came to me suffering from the most dreadful maladies - caused, it seems, by an excess of turning 'round. Happily, they’re now exactly as right as rain, and ready to return to their duties in the royal household.

(the servant trembles and begins to weep)

GRIZ: Moving deftly on… the Civet, do you have something that would make a nice addition to the Palace’s decor?

THE CIVET: I do, as it happens. It’s a handsome piece of furniture.

(on the stage: a tasteful tallboy)

MR TASKS: We are surprised to observe that it’s actually good. This is a decent prize, isn’t it?

THE CIVET: You can fit a lot in it!

GRIZ: You can fit a lot in it, can’t you? Because we happened to turn it around, and what did we find on the back?

THE CIVET: What did you find?

GRIZ: We found a little hatch, and behind that hatch was a rattus faber who had been told to wait until she was taken into someone’s house and then come out and unlock the balcony doors from the inside, hadn’t she?

THE CIVET: Well… I was expecting to win, you see, and I needed someone to open the door for me in case I lost my keys on the way home…

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This is truly, truly, wonderful.

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