Wow guys, thank you all for the time you took to respond, it really means a lot to me :)
I’m a anxious writer in all aspects and it greatly pleases me that other people have read what I’ve written and have understood what I mean. I’m also glad people have shared differing opinions! I’d be more worried if everyone agreed with me than otherwise.
Barselaar, thank you for what you said, I looked up Elizabeth Bishop and her poetry and greatly enjoyed reading the entirety of the poem you quoted. I wish I could reply with more depth at the moment, but just know that I especially enjoyed by your response.
And Morgan Joylighter! Wow, I am glad you have had such a positive experience with tumblr. It really is an interesting and unique way to connect to people across the world who have similar interests as you. I am not suggesting that giving up all your social media is the right thing for everyone! Just that was the right thing for me. Maybe I overextended a little bit, but I elaborated on what I said about tumblr in the spoiler tags below. I hope it helps you understand how I was thinking at the time :)
This could be seen as sort of an addendum to my previous post maybe
[spoiler] I feel like I was in a similar position as you when I first created my tumblr account! I went to high school in a small town in the southern united states, which is typically seen as very “conservative” and closed off from the rest of the world. Personally, I am very sensitive to sensory deprivation (kind of the opposite to sensory overload?), so when I am doing the same routine day after day, I find myself easily slipping into dark depressive moods. Tumblr was my escape into a bigger, more colorful world. I found blogs that echoed my interests, “fandom-wise” and aesthetic-wise, and from there I was slowly introduced to the progressive, leftist views that I hold today. It made me feel less lonely, and the blog that I curated revolved around life in the ocean and just in general very beautiful natural thing (the irony of this btw, is that I’m am passionately afraid of water, and can’t even willingly put my head below the surface. I love going to the beach but you’ll never see me dive below the surface, even for a big breaker. Oh the joys of having grown up in a landlocked state).
The first year-ish of that was a very pleasant experience, and I had a reasonably healthy relationship with the platform and how it worked. However… I found that the more I used it for escapism the more of a hold it had on me. It became a part of my schedule and as time wore on, the joy it gave me turned to some kind of addiction. And yet I was fascinated! It allowed me to stretch and expand my aesthetic tastes, while also introducing me to new things and people. I felt trapped where I lived and in my routine for high school, and this, at the time, was one of my few escapes.
Time went on and I found myself trying to break from the hold it had on me. I would leave for a week, block tumblr from my computer so I could get work done, and yet, I found myself returning again and again even when I thought my usage of it was almost reaching healthy levels. This does not put me in a good light, and I know how easy it is to point fingers and say “yes, but it was a choice for you to go back and you made it unhealthy for yourself” but… it’s more complicated than that. As I think my previous post shows, I’m something of an impulsive person, and I developed a very strong urge to check tumblr at every minute that I was bored. I’d get antsy when my feed was empty, and I stopped paying attention in classes that I thought were useless (which were a lot of them considering that most teachers in my high school stopped caring once you reached second semester of senior year. After college apps are in, why teach? I was very very frustrated with the whole thing).
And then college hit. I was very very fortunate to be accepted to a certain school in NYC. I am so so much happier here, and the world is big enough for me to explore comfortably without having to resort to creating my own world to feel happy. And yet for some reason, I still found that I was attached to my tumblr in a way that was unhealthy, almost to the point where it interfered with my work. I blocked myself from it several times, even gave it up for lent, but each time I found myself returning to it in the same way no matter how many days, weeks, or months I spent off. I knew that one day I would have to quit cold turkey, but I still couldn’t bear to lose what I gained.
(This is all very embarrassing to write down! I admit that none of this is something I like to talk about, especially to strangers. It absolutely does not portray me or my habits in a good light.)
So in total, last June I decided I had had enough of it. I would swallow my pride and admit that this was a problem I just couldn’t fix by gentle intervals. I couldn’t wait it out and hope that time would fix everything, or else I would second guess myself and everything would settle back to how it had been before. I talked with my friend about it, and he tried to get me to stay on, but he eventually realized what a hopeless cause that was. I felt lighter after deleting it, and to this day I do not regret my decision. And this whole realization was directly influenced by Seeking in that Seeking sanded the edges of the pain of loss, and allowed me to approach my decision with the taste of renouncement already in my mouth. This sounds sappy! And it is. I’m such a useless romantic in regards to everything :P
But in total, if someone has had a positive experience with tumblr and with the internet, I say that’s fantastic! I glad that people carve out places for themselves where strange and good things can happen. But as for me, I can’t really do these things in a way that is good and balanced with how I live my live. [/spoiler]