Feedback: Elemental Tango

I will make this thread as a feedback only thread for my game Elemental Tango at Please reserve this thread for general errors from typos to wording as well as detailed feedback after you finish a section. Thank you much!
edited by Kitsune on 9/21/2012
edited by Kitsune on 12/6/2012

Hey! I was playing your game and I got as far as Tuesday, and I must not have cleared out my hand on Monday because now I can’t play any of the cards in my hand. Maybe you should change “settings” between days to keep this from happening?

So I finished the game once. I have to say that this is so intriguing.

Glad you liked it pint box! It will be even more intriguing the more you play.

@dinos Did you start tuesday already and do you have a full hand of cards? what cards do you have? If you give me your character name I can free you up but need your name to do so, please.

Also, I meant to put this before but was half-asleep when writing this thread but can everyone who plays please give me their character name? It will help with situations like this as well as knowing who to thank for being some of the first few people to play. Thanks!
edited by Kitsune on 9/21/2012

Absolutely. My character name is playwithdinos

My qualities are:
Cautious Heart 2
Guiding Heart 1
A slightly strange day… 1
Interesting Experience: Chance Encounter 1
A slightly strange day… 1 (this is showing up twice why???)
Tuesday: Tuesday Morning

The cards in my hand that I cannot play are:
A Game of Dice
Go for a Stroll
A Street Performer
These all have the requirement of Monday must be higher than 2 and Just another boring day… must be higher than 2, and I lost these qualities when it became Tuesday. This could be a pretty severe gameplay problem, because I think a lot of players won’t clear out their hand before moving on to the next day. I’ve done it myself, playtesting my own game. -_-

I played all the pinned cards that I saw, and none are showing up now

Ok yeah sorry about that I will send you back to Monday so the next time you log in, you will be able to clear your hand.

Things showing up twice is a SN design so I don’t know why and can’t readily fix it without seriously damaging my game. I was never one to leave cards in my hand before moving on and always played through them so I generalized that was pretty common. I will try and see what I can do about avoiding that in the future.
edited by Kitsune on 9/21/2012

Hmm…I have a full hand on Wednesday night that I can’t play. The cards are:
Read her a book
A game of cops and robbers
A ghost story

What is your character name and qualities? I freed everything up though so you should be good.
edited by Kitsune on 9/21/2012

Yes I see. Thanks!

So I want to ask, are the 5 paths coming from 5 different hearts?

Also I guess this is a little off-topic but I want to ask,

For the necromancer card, when you fail you keep getting the same card over and over again. How is that implemented in the system?

There are actually five basic heart types that split into seven in the endgame and circle back around to five different endings because of VERY similar heart types when it comes to the more intangible aspects.

I have all the cards in the endgame set to MUST urgency so you are forced to play them, whether you want to or not and for both the mid-level boss (the necromancer) and the final one, I have the requirements locked to a single number instead of a range. The number they are tied to doesn’t increase unless you succeed, so you are forced in a circle until you do.
edited by Kitsune on 9/21/2012

Hmph… several times I gambled 2 truth to jump through the final boss.

Anyways, I have come to Ignorant heart and went to the final endgame but somehow the cards all disappeared. My user name is Pint Box.

You mean you bypassed the final boss with The Casino card? I’m a little confused, but that is quite possible if you want to take the risk and if you were stuck after that I’ve fixed it now. If you could please post the qualities and inventory you have on here, I will be able to get you unstuck.

So do you have the Ignorant heart quality but haven’t seen the ending yet or did you go through the ending already?

EDIT: Scratch all that, Pint Box. I am pretty sure I have it worked out for you now because somehow I had set the requirements for the ending to An Ignorant Heart 4 instead of 1 but went and changed it. Please let me know if you are still stuck though and then post your qualities if you are!
edited by Kitsune on 9/22/2012

I think I also bypassed a boss with the Casino. I went from (fair warning, I’m going to misremember the names of qualities) investigating 6 to 10, and normally I hit a boss at 9 that would punch me back to 6. I didn’t face this boss. I’m not stuck, in fact I’ve “beat” the game (Proof of reform), but I’m not sure I’m meant to be able to skip that… fight? Competition? Contest? Dispute?

Syn name: Azuaron

There is the option to bypass the boss through the casino if you would rather test luck instead of a quality so it gives people a different experience as they play. The boss that you hit at 9 is the final boss and there is nothing wrong with skipping it via the casino card and I am glad you aren’t stuck! I had it set up in a way before that people may have gotten stuck if they bypassed the boss with the casino card and it is good to know my fix worked.

That being said, if you test luck and not the final monster, you won’t learn as much about your current circumstances…
edited by Kitsune on 9/23/2012

EDIT: Scratch all that, Pint Box. I am pretty sure I have it worked out for you now because somehow I had set the requirements for the ending to An Ignorant Heart 4 instead of 1 but went and changed it. Please let me know if you are still stuck though and then post your qualities if you are!
edited by Kitsune on 9/22/2012[/quote]
Yep, I finished the game. Looking forward to the next installment!

-What is your name or how do you like to be addressed, if you prefer not to provide your real name? Nobody realizes how powerful knowing a persons’ real name can be… There should be a comma after “name”, the apostrophe in “person’s” should be before the S, not after, and ellipses are three periods long.

-“You have shown that you have some semblance of concern for your fellow human beings.” Interesting. Is this going to be a morality/karma meter/system thing? I generally don’t like such, as they can artificially moralize actions, but basing it around empathy is an interesting choice.

-She doesn’t seem hurt at all but you need to make sure. There should be a comma after “all”.

-She has strawberry-blond hair that is currently covering her face and you feel like it is important whether or not you know if her eyes are open or if she is even still alive. This looks a bit like a run-on sentence; I would advise breaking it up into two sentences if that was not your intent. Regardless, you need a comma after “face” and “open”.

-The young girl has strawberry-blond hair and actually appears to be sleeping so you decide to make her more comfortable. There should be a comma after “sleeping”.

-Hm, you aren’t capitalizing branch titles? Interesting, I don’t think I’ve seen that before.

-"You have shown your true feelings towards your fellow human beings as very positive. Hm…this sounds a bit awkward to me. Perhaps “to be” instead of “as”?

-Though using a comma to initiate speech isn’t technically incorrect, I think, it’s not necessary. It’s generally a better idea to use a comma instead, it helps the sentence structure flow. Unless you were going for a different impression, of course.

-Oh it’s your alarm… There should be a comma after “Oh”, and you also have an extra period on that ellipses.

-And suddenly, first-person perspective? Seems a bit jarring when everything else is in second-person.

-The description for the “Monday” quality also has an extra period in its ellipses. (I’ll just stop mentioning these, I think you get the idea.)

-You had laid her down on your couch downstairs but now she is staring up at you with adorable grey eyes as she leans against your bed. Needs a comma after “downstairs”.

-[…]but you have to pay the bills somehow right? Needs a comma after “somehow”.

-Another day another dollar It looks like there should be a comma after “day”.

-“Visit a Day Spa” card: A little expensive maybe but you hear it is worth every penny. Needs two commas around the “maybe”. Also, You enjoy working hard anyways and it is nearly impossible to do that after visiting a spa. Needs two commas around the “anyways”.

-The “Go for a Stroll” card (“for” should be capitalized, by the way): You go about people watching as you so do enjoy doing when you happen to look down and find some money just waiting to be picked up. This day gets better and better! Needs two commas around “as you so do enjoy doing”.

-“A Game of Dice” card: Watch for a while then move on Needs a comma after “while”. Also, Not that you know what it was but at least no one seemed to come away too poorly. Needs a comma after “was”.

-“You have shown that you are either completely oblivious of what happens to your fellow human beings or simply do not care.” Uh…ignorance and apathy are actually two very different things. If I’m merely oblivious, then my behaviour might change if I was made aware – if I simply don’t care, then my stance on the matter has already been made clear. (Also, you need a comma after “beings”, there.)

-sniffle sniffle Hmm. I see what you’re trying to do here, but it’s generally considered bad form to include action things within dialogue like that. I would recommend working it into the narration instead, like “he sniffles before he speaks” or something.

-“A Scream Nearby” card: You don’t know what could be there but you have to see what is going on. Needs a comma after “there”. Also: You have never had much luck trying to be a hero and you would rather keep your body intact. Needs a comma after “hero”. Also: You are safe and you are sure the scream was just some teenagers playing around anyways. Needs a comma after “safe”. Finally: You stick your head around the corner only to find out that you were too late and see a young woman bleeding on the ground. A comma is needed after “corner”. It also seems a bit like a run-on sentence – eliminate that “and” to split it into two sentences, perhaps.

-Refusing to investigate a potential murder to save my own skin makes me naive? I…don’t really see the connection.

-“You have my thanks. I don’t want to think about what could have happened if you were even a second later” the victim said with a sigh of relief. Oh boy. deep breath

(This paragraph is courtesy of Farla, a reviewer from
(Also, I notice that you use “said” there – you should endevour to keep tense consistent, so since the rest of the story is in present tense, it should be “says”.)

-It’s very difficult to get the “heart” qualities, especially since which ones you get can very depending on success or failure. I would recommend at least reducing the requirement for the lost child option, as “A Caring Heart” is one of the only two that still eludes me.

-“A Street Performer” card: It is a rare treat around here but a welcome reward in its’ own right. Needs a comma after “here”, and that should be “it’s”. Furthermore: I guess people are a little smarter now-a-days. Every mans’ wallet is in their front pocket and every womans’ purse is close to their hearts. At least you don’t draw any attention to yourself. “Nowadays” is one word, the apostrophes should be before the S, not after, and there’s that conspicuous “I” again.

-The “Nightfall” card: I just turned 12 a few days ago, right before I ended up so far away from my parents beautiful mansion. “Parents’” is a plural possessive in this case, so there should be an apostrophe after it. Also: You don’t really believe that but at least you know her a little better. Needs a comma after “that”.

-Huh…do you intend for people to only be able to have 1 of the “heart” qualities? It’s a bit strange to have my progress in them be wiped.

I’ve made it to Tuesday, so I’ll stop there.

Anyway, interesting. I suspect the meat of the story will start in the next chapter. You do need to work on your grammar though. I’ll continue this tomorrow, hopefully.
edited by Little The on 9/25/2012

Thank you for so closely reading my work, I really appreciate it. I actually made the first chapter in the middle of the night out of eagerness and lapsed the most common of grammatical mistakes in the process, as it seems like the most grammatical errors are in the first section. I added all other commas in and otherwise broke down sentences as necessary though. Now on to responses:

As I said on my other thread, I was taught both the ‘s and s’ were correct so I mostly choose the latter to avoid reader confusion. The additional ellipses are also a stylistic choice, to indicate a longer pause than an ellipse by itself governs. The waking up section is suppose to feel a little jarring but I changed the PoV you mentioned later on to preserve the second-person perspective.

I am aware that ignorance and apathy are two very different things, but the reason they are both listed is because that heart splits later on down the road. Action is also a stylistic choice because I find it more interesting and personal to “see” what is going on instead of being told. It isn’t so much the refusing to investigate a potential murder as the blaming it on teenagers that is naïve.

I purposely have a few options completely locked off to encourage replay and in the end you have to choose one heart to stick to. I allow the other qualities to increase so players get a sense of what they are before they have to decide on the one they want at the end.
edited by Kitsune on 9/25/2012

Huh, really? I was taught that they served two specific purposes: ‘s is for singular possessives, s’ is for plurals (like, when referring to something possessed by multiple individuals).

Ah, okay then.

Hm. So it’s a matter of seeing the events happen that alters your personality, rather than the choice you make regarding it? Even so, I do think that that branch is a bit unclear in that case – it does make it sound like you don’t care about the suffering of others and just want to save your own skin – the fact that a thought of danger enters into it shows you know that something bad is happening. Perhaps integrate the “probably just teenagers” bit into the branch text itself.
edited by Little The on 9/26/2012

You ned add some events to celan the hand of opportunities, because some times you stuck like this:

  • unlocked with What the hell is going on here?! 1, Wednesday 2 - but you can’t play it if Wednesday is higher than 3