Lily Fox
Posts: 346
8/9/2012
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Here is my first StoryNexus creation for your examination. I would be very welcome for any thoughts, impressions, questions, recommendations you may have.
>> Play City of Phire by clicking this link. <<
At this time there a couple of features missing, such as one Nex-limited branch and high-menace events (eg death and other colourful consequences)
I have also considered including some explanatory scenes with major NPCs giving the basics of the world, but that may be a bad idea and wisely omitted. Do you agree?
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@LilyLayer4
Fallen London character: Lilith B.
Author of Maelstrom - Play - Discuss
Author of City of Phire - Play - Discuss
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crownoflaurel
Posts: 16
8/11/2012
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Alright, I'm running through the game now and I'll note anything I notice, good or bad, below.
1. Oh, 'what gender your character appears to be' is nice. Neatly skips all question of what gender your character actually is, which can be complicated.
2. In the 'Yes, Ma'am' card it says 'Your character will be address as such:' and I think you mean 'addressed'. (Also, I liked goodwoman. And m'lady - I seem to remember someone calling Cooper that, in the Tamora Pierce Terrier series.)
3. Haha, I like the dry sarcasm of 'an explanation would be appreciated'. At least, I took it as dry sarcasm.
4. Francis is adorable.
5. Liara's story is interesting enough, but I think you could spice it up. Add some tradegy maybe - someone went out and they only found a body? A relative of hers was killed or fell in love unwisely during the building? You know? 'Cause I admit I kinda skimmed it.
6. The smoke and fire thing is much better - all drama, action.
7. Felix is cool - the jeweled eye patch is a nice touch.
9. Martha could use some spark (dry wit combined with really dirty fighting and a weirdly motherly approach, I'm thinking), unless you want her to be the only sane one. In which case, she's great.
10. I like the cryptic warning about food grown close to the old places.
11. The Lost in the storm card offers 'Run until her find her kid' as an option, which simply...doesn't make sense to me.
Alright, starting on the raiders plot line.
12. If this town is raided often, why don't the people know how to fight? Also, how come they know they're gonna be raided a week or so before it happens? (The Train with the militia card suggests night has fallen when you're done, so to me that suggests there's at least a day in between noticing the raiders and the attack.) Maybe this'll be explained later, but as of right now I'm confused, since I always thought you got ten minutes warning from raiders and that's if you were lucky.
13. I like the mention of the dead brother, his qualities and the nephew in the militia. It makes things feel a little more real - and so does the end where the speaker asks your character to help out and calls her m'lady - makes me wonder...
14. Oh, I like how you lose Wounds but gain Corruption. Lesser of evils choice there.
And now we're into the battle.
15. Well, this is certainly fun. First time I've gotten a choice of what my character could do the entire game, as well.
16. The 'We're all gonna die' is a bit much, I'd say, though Gwen is a nice touch.
17. Okay - how did all this happen again? I'm kinda curious as to what would've happened if I fought the raiders' leader now. Hmm. May play again.
Alright, I've finished one run around and can give some general comments. The first is that I like how nicely you avoid mentioning the character's past. It's well done. I do find it a little strange how easily the villagers accept and appear to care about you - and continuing on that theme, how easily and quickly you become their hero in battle. It feels like there should be a legend about someone from over the mountains being a hero or something...I don't know. I just know I was wondering why my character kept doing these things, 'cause I'd probably be hiding in a corner. Speaking of that, our characters don't really get very many choices of what to do. I think you really just need some more depth in the town itself and the choices offered to the player to fix these things though - if I knew who Gwen was, I'd understand encouraging the people much more. I enjoyed the hints towards strange things (don't eat the food and Corruption) and would love more of those to be included and I also liked the quaint notion of the villagers fighting off the raiders - it's always a nice image. So all in all, I think you have a nice set up here, but that it could use a little more realism (these are the people that took you in when you had nothing and saved your life and loved you; character's heroism makes more sense if this is played up. And speaking of which, where was Francis in that battle?) and some more depth, both of which ought to come with time.
And m'lady is still my favourite thing.
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leokhorn
Posts: 33
8/13/2012
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Good job! It's definitely got much more to discover and, as such, ends up being even more interesting. Every new Opportunity has me going "ohh, what's this?" You definitely have what's required for an explorer like me to keep clicking 
In case you are indeed going for always-use-an-ability actions, just noting Liara's chat action has none yet.
Just discovered the caravan card... and went right for it. Why did I expect anything else, really? *sheepish*... Anyway to possibly get an alternate result with a very high Knowledge/Survival ability? (possibly still paying tips for it)... or at least have this come back at a later point in the story? 
Good call on allowing to cancel out of the big event. It's just as "meta" as it can be in FL, but I think SN-based games work better when giving that narrative control to the player for some reason, even if it's not realistic.
Strangeness: the Archers action on that card has "You need Martial 1 and Martial no more than 8"
Why the upper limit? What happens if I've somehow trained beyond? (I don't know if it's possible) am I locked out of an appropriate action or is there a higher level one replacing it?
Again on the "does not make much sense" side of things, it's possible to start the big event with Opportunities left, which is part of how SN works, and even deal new Opportunities, leading to the same issue: they don't really fit the context of the big event.
Ideas: change location when the player starts the event. This clears Opportunities, right?
Or add a hidden (?) action on these cards only available during the big event. Something following the same theme but linked to the event.
I do not believe either of this is necessary, but it could be a nice touch.
Big event results this time:
Wins x x
Loss x x (low risk) x x
Barely made it again. One more success than last time, and on expected ability this time, but still quite a few failures on Moderate and Chancy challenges. For info, my Qualities at that point were:
Athletics 4
Knowledge 7
Martial 7
Persuasion 4
Survival 7
Is it meant to be a barely won thing for most players but the most patient/careful? I didn't go for the big event right away, but... I didn't want to keep doing the same activities over and over either. Admittedly, reaching the 10th level of "that" Quality does make you want to go further. Mh... I realize it might be more important to keep raising it than actual Abilities. OK, I might have been impatient again.
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Katherine Cunningham
Posts: 44
8/18/2012
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I am currently using Firefox, and I have actually seen it show up once in your game, I think it was immediately after I selected Feminine.
Edit: It just popped up again, I am on a work computer so I can't do a screenshot, but I will copy/paste what I am seeing:
Play fair
"Two tips gets you in. Win, you get the pot." Not the greatest odds but why not?
'Hmph. Beginner's luck.'
The dice go your way. Ignore the sour faces as you collect your winnings/
You were fortunate!
You've gained 6 x Iron Tip (new total 10).
Where it says "You were fortunate" there was a little box that said cardfan this time, but on previous choices on StoryNexus I have seen it say question.
edited by Katbeth86 on 8/18/2012
edited by Katbeth86 on 8/18/2012
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katastrophe
Posts: 17
8/10/2012
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Impressions so far:
Overall you've done a very nice job here. I do have a couple of suggestions....
- The lead-in is either too long or too short, I can't decide which. Basically what I'm saying is I seem to do an awful lot of clicking through single-choice cards for awfully little payoff in terms of feel for the setting, the story, the tone, etc. However, that's opinion, and I'm a setting fanatic so take it with a grain of salt.
- Typo on the "Fungus Farm" card: "He offers six tips for a your time."
- Having complained about too little, I'll now complain about too much. Once we get to the stage with four cards the pacing seems a bit... off. It really feels like you mean people to see the "Finding Your Feet" card first, in which case you should make sure they do. The hotel, on the other hand, doesn't do much, although I admit that despite dedicated trying I couldn't fail the Martial challenge, so I may just be missing something. :P And the "Where There's Smoke" card just plays weird if you play from left to right as I did -- you're only in town one turn, suddenly there's raiders, and then the card is replaced with a bunch of stuff about abilities I haven't yet seen a way to change.
My personal preference -- please note this is preference and opinion! -- would be to see the Finding Your Feet Card first, and then have the other cards introduced.
Overall, though, it seems interesting and well-planned. Good luck.
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Oh hey, a webcomic.
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Little The
Posts: 700
8/10/2012
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I think "Gods be merciful!" should be morelike "Gods; Be Merciful!"
Actually, I'm pretty sure the former is correct. I've seen it used that way in other fantasy stories, and it does make sense as an exclamation, since you'd be gasping it out all at once, no room for pauses.
I definitely do think that the prologue feels a bit rushed. There's not a whole lot of text explaining things, I'm just saddled with a bunch of qualities right off the bat, then I'm told to explore the city without much explanation. I do think that being introduced to a few of the NPCs or even just having Felix explain where I am and what's going on would help me to orient myself a bit more.
Also, in the "Sunlight" card, I do think that the dagger image is misplaced. Especially combined with the branch text, it looks like you're going to threaten him.
(Hm, you're using feet instead of meters?)
The prologue cards are set up nicely -- they give you a sense of freedom without swamping you, and each has a clearly-defined purpose. I do find it strange that the failure for survival training involves already knowing what Francis is talking about, though -- logically, wouldn't the chance of that increase the higher your Survival got? Yet, the way the mechanics work, it's the opposite...
You also have an awful lot of grammar errors:
-In the "Awake" card: "... impossibly high, everyone knew none ever returned who attempted the journey but you had found a way." There should be a comma after "journey".
-In the "Awake" card: "A sandstorm set in, you remember that clearly, and then, what?" That last comma shouldn't be there, I think.
-In the "Awake" card: "Today, at last, you can think clearly though your head still throbs blindingly with each breath." Should be a comma after "clearly".
-In the "Awake" card: "You do not remember that being so painful, but you are now standing at least." That last part sounds a bit awkward -- I think it should be "standing now" instead of "now standing".
-In the "Sunlight" card: "The sun burns hot and bright overhead and here is not a cloud in the sky"
-In the "Sunlight" card: "He has frozen, staring at you, while running a wetstone" That should be "whetstone".
-In the "Running the streets" branch of the "Finding your feet" card: "It is hard going at first but soon you settle into your stride as your body remembers how to move." Should be a comma after "first".
-In the "Trusty Felix" branch of the "Finding your feet" card: "[...]but it certainly felt like a content." Also, the title is buggy; there are a bunch of commas at the beginning.
-In the "Prepare the Defences" card: "The town militia are few in number but they are doubly certain to station lookouts on the wall." There should be a comma after "number".
-In the "Prepare the Defences" card: "If you could find out what the raiders have done before, maybe you can pre-empt them and better prepare yourselves?" Is that question mark supposed to be there? I think a period makes more sense.
-In the "Prepare the Defences" card: "The town wall is a formidable barrier but the gatehouse doors are brittle from age and decades of near continuous sandblasting." There should be a comma after "barrier".
And I'm out of actions.
Anyway, this looks interesting. Fantasy is my favourite genre, so I look forward to finding out more. However, I do notice that the branches for the "Prepare the Defences" card lock if the quality is above 6, correct? Since I doubt there is a way to cap qualities yet, wouldn't that mean that players could theoretically lock themselves out of advancing the story if they stat grind too much?
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A gentleman of numerous descriptors that change far too often. Second chance and menace reduction invites are welcome.
My journey to Seek the Name is recorded for posterity here. I asked "Who is Salt?"
I am a member of the Temple Club. If you would like an invitation, feel free to request one!
Fallen London is a game of choices. When you make an important one, you can record your rationale here.
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Little The
Posts: 700
8/10/2012
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Hm, just realized that the player character is addressed very highly, as "lord" or "lady". Is our character some kind of nobility?
Though I like that you are taking a pinned-card approach to level grinding instead of an opportunity-based one, I am rather annoyed that the battle itself ultimately comes down to random chance. I had 5 in all my qualities, which meant that every time, the challenge is "modest"...50/50, correct? I do not like the outcome of the battle I've spent 20 actions grinding for decided based on a coin flip.
I also notice that the stat cap weirdness also appears on "The Battle for Ketai" -- 8, this time. Again, this means it is theoretically possible for someone to lock themselves in an unwinnable state.
Also, the "'We're all gonna die.'" branch of "The Battle for Ketai" has a broken image link.
Typos:
-In the "Pant...pant...pant" branch of "The Battle for Ketai": "Maybe you are not as fit as you though."
-In the "'We're all gonna die.'" branch of "The Battle for Ketai": "One mutters 'This is it... the end." There should be a comma after "mutters", as per the rules of dialogue.
...And that's the end! Interesting.
The battle scene was very well written, and I felt a real sense of danger and tension. However, as I said, the problem arises from the fact that you're writing it in StoryNexus. The random chance challenges that I could not retry gave me the feeling that I had no control over anything, and that I was just clicking to advance the story, without being able to change anything. As I said, the outcome of the battle comes down to random chance. Same goes for the challenge at the end -- whether or not you defeat the bandit leader is a pure gamble. I didn't take it, for roleplaying reasons as well as prudence, but it's still rather bothersome.
I don't really know how you might be able to fix such a thing, but I would recommend you try something to give the player a bit more agency, instead of making them feel like the story is completely at the whim of the random number god. That said, this does look quite promising (firearms in a fantasy setting) and I look forward to seeing how the rest of the story will play out.
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A gentleman of numerous descriptors that change far too often. Second chance and menace reduction invites are welcome.
My journey to Seek the Name is recorded for posterity here. I asked "Who is Salt?"
I am a member of the Temple Club. If you would like an invitation, feel free to request one!
Fallen London is a game of choices. When you make an important one, you can record your rationale here.
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