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Truly off-topic: help me with a personal decision. Messages in this topic - RSS

Should i send that email?

Yes.:3
No.:3
the Inquisitive Masseurse
the Inquisitive Masseurse
Posts: 121

19 days ago
I'll try to be succinct. (i'll fail)
1. There is a person i've been in love with for several years. I have never confessed that to the Subject.
2. For a period of time, we were really close, and i was even considered the subject's best friend.
3. I'm terrible at indirect communication. I think the subject may have been consistently hinting to me "I know how you feel; but please don't say it". I may have imagined it.
4. The fear of alienating the Subject prevented me from confessing. This choice went against my principles; against the advice i'd've given anyone else. But the fear was too great: too much to lose.
5. Eventually, the Subject started growing distant from me and, eventually, was no longer interested to keep in touch. There was some basis to hope this is a temporary situation.
5.5. Thenceforth, i refrained from confessing, for worry that such a confession would be perceived as (or even be) manipulative.
6. It's been a year since the cut-off.
I want to cry whenever I think of the subject, or see the subject's letters or gifts.
Occasionally, i dream about the subject. For days after each time - all i want to do is sleep, for the illusory chance that the dream will resume.

Surely it's been long enough, that a confession would be harmless?
I'm thinking of writing an email to the Subject. Just stating my feelings, not asking for anything. Maybe with a disclaimer, to clarify i'm not asking for anything. At this point, i can't tell whether sending it or not sending it would constitute the greater mistake.
Your input is appreciated.

--
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Catherine Raymond
Catherine Raymond
Posts: 2769

19 days ago
If "the subject" (as you've put it) has already grown distant from you, it may be better to make your confession. Yes, it could be construed as manipulative. But making that confession will allow you to make certain, once and for all, that there is no hope of a romantic relationship with this person. That will cause you pain, but clearing the air in this manner may allow you to stop dreaming about this person and get on with your own life.

It is possible that the person grew "distant' because they believed, on the basis of your conduct, that you did not care for them any longer, even as a "best friend". If so, your proposed e-mail might give both of you the chance to revive, and alter the relationship you had into something that would give both of you what you truly wish. But I think the better reason is to re-establish honesty between both of you.

I understand that you held your tongue because you didn't want to drive the "subject" away. That likely was a mistake in itself, and may have resulted in driving the person away from you instead.

So send that e-mail, with whatever disclaimers you think you need, but send it!
edited by Catherine Raymond on 1/6/2022

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Cathy Raymond
http://fallenlondon.com/Profile/cathyr19355

Catherine Raymond aka Mrs. Rykar Malkus http://fallenlondon.com/Profile/Catherine%20Raymond (Gone NORTH)
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Sir Jedidiah
Sir Jedidiah
Posts: 22

19 days ago
I was in a sort of similar boat as you are right now last year. In the end I chose to confess but tragically did so a bit hastily without being clear enough. The person misunderstood and thought I was asking her out but thankfully she was very kind nevertheless in her response when rejecting me. Pain (emotional) was felt and tears were shed but I can say for certain that I am at a lot more peace now months later than I was before tossing and turning in bed being unable to sleep. My brain still loves to throw the memory of how she misunderstood me from time to time but it’s no longer the plague it used to be.

I am not sure that I would’ve been able to move on without confessing. In my mind at least by confessing I showed her the specific emotional connection that she needed to cut. Otherwise it would’ve stayed attached and stayed invisible to her dragging me behind while she moved on with life. Now we are both able to move on, and I am able to think of her less often.

I recommend confessing, but do so carefully. Be clear what you mean and that you’re not asking for a relationship. Confessing is scary (and painful depending on the answer) but the negative effects will fade. It’s a better choice in my opinion than continuing to be emotionally dragged. But this is just my view from my experience. You have a much better understanding of yourself, the Subject and the situation you’re in. The choice is ultimately yours. Not fear’s. Yours.

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Sir Jedidiah: Writer of novels and quite the dream enthusiast.
Miss Mosin: Built like an Amazonian, pretty as a peach.
Dr. Sicarii: Don't stare.
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