So. First of all, if monetization had been on, then I’d absolutely have ponied up the 10 Nex to finish it last night. So if that’s something you’re aiming for (and why shouldn’t it be?), then you’re on the right track.
The play itself
I don’t have much to say because it’s just good, really. It doesn’t try to cram too much in, develops the characters nicely, and feels natural even though something physically implausible happens. A couple of moments might be a little cliched (a graveyard in the pouring rain…) but I think you can get away with that in such a short piece. The premise is intriguing, and I’d say you’re right to leave so many questions open at the end.
The writing’s unobtrusive (which is meant as a compliment, in this case) but there were still a few phrases which stood out to me. As I was reading it, I could imagine the whole thing as a short film.
Maybe it’s a little rushed towards the end, though? Specifically, from the point where Jacobson appears. David acts oddly decisively in response to something so perplexing, while Henry in contrast doesn’t seem as conflicted by it as you might expect him to be. And the crux final scene in the apartment is over in a flash. There’s a lot to take in very quickly, and I missed the sense of escalating unease which defines the earlier scenes… plus, I wanted to understand more about David’s motivations, though I realise that could be on its way through the Opportunity cards.
The mechanic
This is the really interesting part, of course. And it’s hard to form any conclusions without seeing the opportunity cards, which will transform the experience.
Even as it stands, though, I got a lot out of the… well, unusual structure of the work. For the first half I was wondering why on earth you’d chosen to do it on StoryNexus, and then for the second half I was admiring the chutzpah of doing it on StoryNexus. You’ve got a kind-of Brechtian thing going on, highlighting the fact that the reader is outside the story - merely an observer - which is the polar opposite to what almost all StoryNexus creators are trying to achieve.
I loved it, though I have a nagging worry that there’s an awful lot in my background which pre-disposes me to love this kind of thing. I’ll be interested to see how it plays with everyone else.
In any event, more power to you for a bold experiment! And I’m very impatient to see what it’s like once you’ve added the opportunity cards.
Cheers
Richard
Edited long after the fact to correct a horrifyingly basic homophone error - oh, the shame, the shame!
edited by Richard on 2/27/2013